Chronic Depression is Boring

Essentially, chronic depression is uninteresting. Depressives realize this. We know that being sad and then being sad more is just not interesting. We reach out to our loved ones for a little bit, but we can feel them rolling their eyes because we are rolling ours. We're as bored by it as they are. Unfortunately, we are trapped in it.

Here’s what’s going on with me right now. A beloved pet died four days ago. It was rough for my wife and me. I’m mostly over the death, but it triggered me into a depressive cycle deeper than I’ve experienced for years.

My wife and a close friend have been trying to help me through it, but I can tell they are getting weary of carrying my weight. I don’t want to continue to burden them so I’m pulling back; I’m retreating into myself. How many times do they want to hear about how shitty I feel? The growing problem is that it makes me feel more alone and the darkness becomes greater.

This morning my wife pointed out that I haven’t been eating. She’s right. My caloric intake since the death has been roughly 20% than usual. I mean, I’m a pudgy fellow, but this might not be the best weight loss program. I’m trying to eat. It’s annoying. I don’t want to eat and I vomit about once a day so that eating feels like wasted effort.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I’m suicidal, but often my last thought when I’m going to sleep is that I hope I don’t wake up.