Distractions

I ran out of SJW a few days ago and haven’t noticed a thing. But then I’ve been really busy. Sometimes it seems that if I just keep active then I don’t have the time to dwell on depressing thoughts.

I’m behind with work but that pretty typical for me. In fact I shouldn’t be writing this right now – I have way too much paid writing that I need to do but I’m very distracted right now.

Two reasons:
1) I recently noticed a gig for which I’m particularly qualified. Its main draw is that it is quite different from most of the work I do all day so it will be a break from my normal routine. That and another job means more money and I always need that. So I contacted them yesterday and I can’t focus on anything because I keep checking my inbox. This is unusual. I work for so many people and am always signing up for more work so this process is really rather routine. I’m not sure why this job is sitting larger in my mind than most.
2) I have to get my pictures made tomorrow. I’m sure it comes as no surprise that I hate looking at myself. I don’t think I’m an attractive person and I’ve gained a lot of weight. Add that to a big steaming pile of social anxiety and you get a lot of second guessing and self loathing. I have to get the pictures made because I’m at the point in my career that I need a site about me. (ugh!) My writing is all over the Internet and I’m starting to lecture. I need a spot where everything is drawn together so editors and event organizers can see the whole package.

So I’m not getting any work done because these things are keeping me anxious and distracted. But at least I don’t have time to for depression. I can feel it waiting in the wings, though. No doubt as soon as things slow back down it will come swooping in.

OK, I’m off to order more SJW.

Will the Real St. John Please Stand Up?

Circumstances have led me to take three different brands of St. John’s Wort products – see below. If faulty memory serves this is the order of things. When I was blogging about notable increases in mood I was on Nature Made. When I ran out of that I went to the store and picked up the only thing I could find with SJW in it, the Nature’s Way product. I have no remarkable memory of the time during which I was taking this but I do know that it was during a few months that were especially stressful for other reasons. Now I’m on the store brand and generally maintaining. The sting of my lows is blunted a little bit and since it seems most like the Nature Made product I suppose this is the best that I’ll get from SJW. I’m tempted to pull receipts and actually compare the timeline to what I’ve reported here.

It’s frustrating that there is no regulation of herbal supplements here in the US – or at least that’s how I understand it. Having little basis for this conclusion I nevertheless assume that stems carry far less of whatever in SJW is effective than the leaves. But there is no requirement that products claiming to contain X amount of SJW carry the good bits or the bad bits.

I think that I’ll order the Nature Made again and see if I notice the change I did the first time I took it. But it appears that I’ve taken SJW about as far as it will go. I should try walking again…

Nature Made – St. John’s Wort 75 Capsules
Supplement Facts
Serving Size 2 Capsules
Servings Per Container 37
Amount Per Serving
St. John’s Wort Aerial Parts Extract (Hypericum Perforatum) 300mg
Hypericin (by UV) 0.9 mg
Other Ingredients
Cellulose Gel, Gelatin (non-bovine), Maltodextrin, Stearic Acid, Magenissium Stearate, Tribasic Calcium, Phosphate, Water

Nature’s Way – Mood Aid with 5-HTP & St. John’s Wort
Supplement Facts
Serving Size 1 Capsule
Servings Per Container 60
Amount Per Serving
Thiamin (as Thiamin HCI) 250 mcg
Riboflavin (Vitamin B2) 284 mcg
Niacin ( as Niacinamide) 3.33 mcg
Vitamin B6 (as Pyridoxine HCI) 330 mcg
Vitamin B12 (as Cyanocobalamin)1 mcg
St. John’s Wort extract (stem, leaf, flower)
0.3% dianthrones measured as hypercin 300 mg
Skullcap (stem, leaf, fruit) 100 mg
Korean Ginseng extract (root) 33 mg
L-5-Hydroxytryptophan 3 mg
Other Ingrediants: Gelatin (capsule), Millet, Magnesium Stearate

Store Brand – Natural St. John’s Wort
Supplement Facts
Serving Size 1 Caplet
Amount Per Caplet
St. John’s Wort (hypericum perforatum) (aerial parts) Standardized extract (0.3% hypericin) 300 mg
Other Ingredients
Dicalcium Phosphate, Maltodextrin, Microcrystalline Cellulose, Croscarmellose Sodium, Tricalcium Phosphate, Stearic Acid, Magnesium Stearate, Hypromellose, Hydroxypropyl Cellulose, Polyethylene Glycol

Press Release: “DEPRESSION: OUT OF THE SHADOWS” TO PREMIERE ON PBS MAY 21

Press release emailed to me:

Comprehensive Look at Depressive Disorders Focuses on Individual Experiences – Including a CEO, a Successful Entrepreneur, a Gang Member and a Journalist – Along with Leading Medical Experts
~
Documentary to Promote Dialogue on Depression Through Public Awareness Campaign in Partnership with the National Alliance on Mental Illness and YMCA of the USA
~
Jane Pauley to Host Post-Broadcast Panel Discussion

January 2008 (St. Paul, MN) - Twin Cities Public Television (TPT) and WGBH Boston announced today the broadcast of DEPRESSION: Out of the Shadows, a 90-minute documentary about clinical depression that will air nationally on public television stations on May 21 (check local listings). Written, produced and directed by Larkin McPhee and produced by TPT and WGBH, DEPRESSION: Out of the Shadows tells the dramatic stories of people of different ages, from diverse backgrounds, who live with various forms of depression - and explores the causes and treatments.



“Depression is one of the most debilitating illnesses on earth, and yet people are ashamed to talk about it,” says McPhee. “This is a medical illness that can devastate lives, ruin relationships and keep people from achieving their dreams. My greatest hope is that people watching DEPRESSION: Out of the Shadows will be able to better recognize the signs and symptoms of this elusive illness and seek help. This is a highly treatable disorder.”



Among the personal profiles in DEPRESSION: Out of the Shadows are novelist and journalist Andrew Solomon, whose mother’s death contributed to his depression and left him unable to work or take care of himself; Ellie Zuehlke, whose bout with post-partum depression after the birth of her first child led her to thoughts of suicide; Terrie M. Williams, a successful public relations executive and social worker who found herself sobbing for hours on end and did not realize she was suffering from depression; Philip Burguieres, once the youngest CEO of a Fortune 500 company, who resigned unexpectedly from his position after collapsing from untreated depression; Hart Lipton, a teenager who suddenly became depressed when he was in the sixth grade, and after four years of struggling with the illness was eventually diagnosed with a bipolar disorder; and DaShaun “Jiwe” Morris, a member of the Bloods gang who became depressed and suicidal after years of neglect, violence and crime. He is the author of an upcoming book about his experience called War of the Bloods in My Veins.



Williams, who is African-American and the author of a new book about her experience and that of others, Black Pain: It Just Looks Like We’re Not Hurting, said, “As reluctant as those in the general public may be to discussing depression openly, in the African-American community, it is much worse. The high rates of poverty and unemployment that disproportionately affect our community contribute to and compound depression. This is a lapse that must be addressed.”



The film also features several of the nation’s leading mental health experts who explain current theories behind the causes of depression, and pharmaceutical and counseling treatments that have proved successful. These include Dr. Helen Mayberg, who discusses her groundbreaking research into the use of deep brain stimulation therapies to treat depression; Dr. Carlos Zarate, who has conducted promising research with a drug called ketamine; and Dr. Charles Nemeroff, who explains how depression is rooted in both genetic and environmental factors.



Following the broadcast of DEPRESSION: Out of the Shadows, veteran journalist Jane Pauley, who wrote about having a bi-polar disorder in her autobiography Skywriting: Out of the Blue, will host a nationally televised panel discussion with mental health experts to discuss the issues raised in the film.



"In an era of breathtaking advances in understanding the human brain, one of the most important developments is taking place outside the laboratory and it has far-reaching implications: mental illness is becoming part of the national dialogue. DEPRESSION: Out of the Shadows is a timely and important contribution to the conversation and I'm delighted to have a role in it,” said Pauley.



In order to create a more open dialogue about depression, and reduce the social stigma that prevents many people from seeking professional help, TPT, under the PBS initiative, TAKE ONE STEP: A PUBLIC HEALTH CAMPAIGN, has secured two national partners, the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and YMCA of the USA, to participate in a major public outreach initiative. This will include screenings and panel discussions in major cities and on college campuses, a multi-media Web site that will provide a vast array of research material and resources on depression, and summits organized by local PBS stations across the country that will encourage mental health providers to strategize with public and private institutions.



“We’re very pleased to have the support and resources of NAMI and the YMCA, so that we can provide as many people as possible with current information on depressive disorders,” said Phylis Geller, executive producer of DEPRESSION: Out of the Shadows for TPT.



Laurie Donnelly, executive producer of DEPRESSION: Out of the Shadows for WGBH said, “The film is a starting point for conversation and thought, but it’s critical that people who see the film know how to take the next step in seeking the proper care.”



DEPRESSION: Out of the Shadows is a production of Twin Cities Public Television (TPT) and WGBH Boston. Producer/Writer/Director: Larkin McPhee. Executive Producers: Laurie Donnelly, WGBH; Phylis Geller, TPT. Senior Producer, WGBH: Anne Adams. Major funding for the program and Take One Step: A PBS HEALTH CAMPAIGN is provided by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, Public Television Viewers and PBS. Additional support for DEPRESSION: Out of the Shadows provided by The Ritter Foundation Inc. and Mental Insight Foundation.



About TPT
The mission of Twin Cities Public Television is to “harness the power of television and other media for the public good.” A not-for-profit educational, civic, and cultural resource, TPT presents original productions for national and state broadcast. Productions include the DragonflyTV science series for kids; Emmy Award-winning programs include Benjamin Franklin; The Forgetting: A Portrait of Alzheimer’s; and Suze Orman: The Laws of Money, The Lessons of Life. One of the most watched PBS affiliates in the nation, TPT is based in St. Paul and operates six digital stations in addition to analog channels tpt2 and tpt17. The organization is also an active member of the community, bringing outreach and literacy programs to local schools and community groups.



About WGBH

WGBH Boston is America's preeminent public broadcasting producer, the source of one-third of PBS's primetime lineup and companion online content as well as many public radio favorites. WGBH is a pioneer in educational multimedia (including the Web, broadband, and interactive television) and in technologies and services that make media accessible for people with disabilities. WGBH has been recognized with hundreds of honors: Emmys, Peabodys, DuPont-Columbia Awards-even two Oscars. In 2002, WGBH was honored with a special institutional Peabody Award for fifty years of excellence. For more information, visit www.wgbh.org.

If it's a Placebo Effect I'll Take It

When I went off the good St. John last autumn I explained that it might have made me too happy and I couldn't have that.

Sounds perfectly silly when I say it like that.

Anyway, I spent months letting that nugget of truth or whatever it is a nugget of seep into my brain and lodge itself there. Now that I've taken the brave step of trying to work through happiness I find that the stuff seems to work really well. An hour or so after taking it and about the time that I completely forget that I've done so a sense of pleasentness comes over me. It lasts for a few hours and I don't crash afterwards. If I remember to take a pill at every meal - and that's turning out to be a pretty good challenge in itself - then I seem to maintain a generally happy disposition. Now when I feel myself slipping down I can think back and almost invariably realize that I forgot my Wort with my last meal.

Placebo effect? Maybe; but I'll take it!

If it is a PE will this entry mark the end of its effectiveness?

...and back on the St. John's Wort

That last post was so silly and pitiful I thought that I'd give the Wort another try. Today is only the second day. If I have another giddy fit I'll just have to push through it.

Spring is charging towards my part of the world. Every year I have this feeling that I'm ill equipped to deal with it. Previously I just thought that I was overwhelmed by the happy season; now I have the depression excuse. Nothing like a good excuse, eh?

Perhaps the Wort will help me enjoy it without giving me the feeling that I'm supposed to DO something about it. I don't mind that feeling until it replaces pleasure and I'm left with nagging self-doubt.

that's not what I mean

My Journey

is at a stand-still. No self help; no herbs; just full on self-indulgent self-loathing.

It's kind of comfortable...

Doing the Split

So I decided to go ahead and start a new blog for the daily writing experiment.

In my view blogs stagnate for three reasons:
1) The blogger becomes bored with it.
2) The blogger says what she came to say.
3) The blogger can't figure out how to say what needs to be said.

While number is probably the commonest reason, number three has been my reason. For a long time the next thing to talk about has been suicide. There are lots of reasons that I don't want to get into that. None of them are that it's too upsetting. I think about suicide so much and with such regularity that it's become as much of a companion to me as my depression. Both are so deeply rooted in me that I'm quite sure that I would be a radically different person if they were gone. I wouldn't know how to function.

Writing about suicide is hard because it is so incredibly self indulgent and as I've said many times I desperately want to avoid having that happen with this blog. In a recent post at Trick-cycling For Beginners the blogger really captured my feelings about this way: "Often, what comes across is a person who has allowed themselves to become defined by their illness; obsessed with it, enveloped in the sick role." This isn't how I live my life and it isn't how I want to write this blog. It would be difficult to explore suicide without seeming to wear the sick role too proudly.

Another issue with discussing suicide is that it is so desperately cliche'. I suppose that this complaint is quite similar to the one of the previous paragraph but it originates from a different muscle. Suicide is almost laughably boring as a symptom of depression. Actually all the symptoms are which is one of the reasons that the big D is so frustrating - being trapped in a set of incredibly predictable emotions and reactions and being completely unable to break loose from them. But suicide is so after-school-special.

But one of the biggest reasons that I haven't explored it yet is that there is so little to say about it. As distracting as my continuous contemplation of it is, there's really not much to explore there. I think about ways that I could do it then I think about how scared I am of it and how courageous successful committers are. And that's about it.

Perhaps this broke the log-jam. Probably not. But I'm back to focusing this blog on depression. If you're interested in my one-hour-a-day project then first I have to wonder what the hell is wrong with you and second I will direct you to Caution: Writer At Play.