The Legitimacy of Emotions

Here's a small thing about me. Whether it was intentional or not one of the lessons that my parents instilled in me was to stay out of the way. By most physical measures I'm an average guy - not too tall and not too wide. However, I feel like a giant, hulking presence and am constantly shifting and adjusting to stay out of the way. If I'm sharing an elevator with someone I shrink into the corner and try to keep out of their way. Should a find myself sharing a bench I will do everything I can to make sure my companion has as much room to spread out as possible.

In short, I do everything I can to make sure that my shit doesn't spill over into or onto your shit.

I'm also that way about emotions. Good feelings or bad are closely guarded secrets for me. I will do everything I can to make sure that no one around me feels obligated to acknowledge or *shudder* do something about my feels.

I say that to say this. In a strange way, I also do this to myself. That stay-out-of-the-way dynamic somehow got rooted in my internal life. Maybe it's best explained as an ego v. id thing. My id has the feelings but my ego doesn't want to mess with them so my id does it's best to keep them in a bottle. I'm not sure if that's apt. It's certainly nothing revolutionary. I think it might be an oversimplification of what Freud was talking about a hundred years ago anyway.

It's worth exploring, though, because as a depressive my emotions come from two distinct places. First, there's the legit source, life, that buffets all of us around. The resultant emotions seem somehow more real. There's cause and resolution and dealing with the situations in between. The other source is depression. This second source is harder to process because there's no cause to resolve; there's only the dealing.

The point is that it's nearly impossible to distinguish the two, especially when I'm in the depths of it. Do I feel bad because life is serving me a bowl of rotten radishes or because my depression has taken over? When I'm really down the question doesn't even occur to me. I can only think of how much I want it to stop or, worse, simply how much it hurts. Meantime, my id is doing everything it can to keep ego from knowing or outwardly reacting.

Therefore, a cycle becomes entrenched whereby all emotions are considered illegitimate until proven otherwise. Not only are they bottled up they are also considered irrelevant until they become too big to ignore. The predictable result is an eventual explosion that either causes me to collapse to cancer of the id or overreact when the ego is forced to act as a pressure valve. Both results are horrible.

I wish I had an answer. Maybe seeing it this way will help to deal. I suppose a way to look at it is to accept each emotion as legitimate. They are, after all. Whether caused by life or depression they have to be handled or they become too much to handle.

Maybe another bit of light in the darkness.

Depression and Exercise

Tired topic, right? We've all heard that exercise might help fight depression. Most of us probably believe it, whether or not we practice it.

I came across this article published yesterday in the Washington Post - Exercise seems to help alleviate depression, but not for everybody. I like a big but and this has one. Exercise might not be for everyone.

It kicks off with findings from a study published in 2007 - Exercise and pharmacotherapy in the treatment of major depressive disorder. It found that 45% those who participated in supervised and monitored exercise programs for four months reported higher "remission rates." Compare that to  home-based exercise = 40%, medication = 47%, and placebo = 31% and there's something to talk about.

Back to the Washington Post article. The reporter talked to experts and cited a few anecdotes about the benefits of exercise. I won't get into it; you can read the article yourself. The conclusion is like those adds for cold cereal that claim their product may be part of a healthy breakfast. For best results, exercise could be a part of a mental-healthy diet of lifestyle, medication, and/or therapy.

Try it, you may like it.

I've tried it. Here's what my research has shown.

First, I hate exercising. There are active things I enjoy - biking, for example - but I generally hate the idea of a regular workout routine. I tend to do the things I like the least first so when I'm trying to exercise it's generally the first thing on my schedule. This makes getting out of my snug, depressive bed all the more difficult. Hating it also makes it so easy to skip. So, the thought that there's one more thing I've failed to do for the day inhabits my brain. This is not a good mood buddy for a depressive.

However, if I can stay with it for a while it does tend to improve disposition. I've never stuck to it long enough to say whether or not it helps with major depression, but the feeling of accomplishment and incrementally improving health does help stave off or lighten the load of the depressing episodes of life. Here's the rub though. I have to keep at it because giving in to the temptation of skipping one, two, three, and then all the days can toss me right back into the pit.

If you look at the numbers from the study, medication actually wins. It beats supervised exercise by two points and self-motivated exercise by seven. But that only looks at depression - pure, straight up, diagnosable depression.The point I'm trying to get to is that this is a narrow view and only over a short period of time. What about those studied after a year? Five years? I've ranted here before about the side effects of meds. One of the biggest ones for me was sexual. The few times I've tried the typical prescription depression meds I had a significant drop in my sex drive. There's no balance to strike there. Perhaps in time I could report "remission" in the major symptoms of depression, but that's a pyrrhic victory if the price is the loss of sex.

There are other downsides to meds. There's cost which is rarely brought up in studies like these, but it's a very real aspect. I don't have any polls at my fingertips, but I'd hazard a guess that for most people money is one of the top five causes of anxiety. Meds costs will always go up. Then there's the cascading effect of meds. Take the sex thing, for example. Sure, I could go back to my doctor and ask for a viagra script which is can lead to more cost and more side effects to worry about. Or I could grab my walking/running shoes and find the outside.

This is supposed to be about exercise, right? Is it the answer? Maybe. Maybe for you. I think it's probably more effective if your depression is life-episode based like a breakup or family death. For depressives like me it can be a little trickier. It's probably not my silver bullet, but it can't hurt.

It's a nice day. I should check the air in my bicycle's tires and maybe take a ride later on. We'll see...

Depression: Two Triggers

 This one is probably going to sound a little uniformed and scattered. Admittedly, I’ve been living with depression for a long time, but I’ve done far less research on it than I should have. At least that’s how it feels. I’ve talked to a number of doctors and I’ve read a lot of research. I still haven’t cracked it so maybe that’s why I feel like I haven’t learned enough.

This blog isn’t about that, happily. It’s just about my journey and that’s comparatively easy to put down in print.

My experience has been that there is usually one of two triggers for a depressive episode – and I’ve had some doozies. The first is that impossible to fathom, internal tide of terrible that just wells up with chronic depressives. Trigger is an inaccurate word in this case. It just happens. I can be watching a tv show that I really enjoy, attending a social event, be at a job, or whatever and all of a sudden there’s overwhelming sadness. This is one of the biggest problems that I struggle with and it’s been getting worse. I don’t know the answer; my wife says it’s just chemicals and I think she probably has a point. Doesn’t make it feel any better, but at least it’s something I can tell myself. 

Second are external triggers. Everyone deals with these. Death of a loved one, financial problems, politics, the evening news – all these things can be depressing however I’d hazard a guess that they hit chronic depressives harder. Bad news can bring a person down for a bit, but they can usually dig down and figure out what they need to do to get past it. Chronics, on the other hand, wallow. It’s actually kind of comfortable. So when there’s an external trigger it provides an excuse to wrap oneself up in a big burrito of sad.

At least that’s been my experience. I certainly would never claim a monopoly on depression. A facebook acquaintance of mine who happens to be one of the most upbeat people I know was recently diagnosed with depression. He’s in his fifties, an avid weight-lifter, great cook, hugger and all around happy dude. He went in for a regular check up a couple weeks ago and his long time doctor recognized some differences in his general demeanor. Doc asked him the standard questions then prescribed what I assume is a common depression treatment – my friend didn’t say what, only that he was comfortable with it. He shared that he’s recently lost some friends and family members. I’m sure he’s going to pull through pretty quickly. His personality and strong support network will see to that. 

Here’s another example of external triggers. I’m a bit of a perfectionist. You might not think so if you’ve been following this blog for a while. I try to write fast and honest here so I’m sure there’s more than a few grammatical errors. Otherwise, though, I’m pretty careful – as much as I can be – in my personal and professional conduct. Consequently, when I do screw up it bothers me. Most people, as far as I’ve observed, seem able to shake that kind of thing off in a few minutes, hours or, at most, a day. Me? It can destroy a week and, worse, if my mistake affects other people else it can destroy the relationship. Not from their perspective but from mine. I read or assign too much into their disappointment and find myself entirely avoiding them. 

I realize that, that can be more of a self esteem thing, but as far as I see it it’s all part of the same problem. More to the point, it can trigger a depressive episode. That’s the point I’m trying to make. If something happens that makes me feel bad about myself it seems to trigger the chronic. Instead of just fixing the mistake and moving on, I crawl inside of myself and spend too much time thereafter hating myself and everyone around me. 

I don’t have any answer or advice in this area. It’s just about where I live. 

Some Thoughts About Depression, Autism and Being an Introvert

I think I may have mentioned this before – I’m not going to go back and look – but over the last several years I’ve wondered if I have mild autism. It was once called aspersers, but I think they just say you’re on the spectrum now.

Here's a pretty good digestion of what Asperger's

 is or was, depending on your approach. It doesn't

 fit me exactly. For example, I think I'm a fairly

 sympathetic person, but I do have many of the other

 characteristics listed here; enough, at least to think

 that there's at least a light spritzing of Asperger's

 on my brain.

Semantics aside, I was thinking about that this morning. I definitely have depression. That’s well established. I’m certainly an introvert, again, something that takes no argument if you were to meet me. And I’m a pretty good candidate for autism. If one were to draw a Venn diagram of this mess there would be a big pile of me sitting right in the middle.

What does this mean? Well, if you subscribe to Temple Grande's way of thinking maybe - see below - I’m not damaged. Maybe I’m just on the spectrum of being a human. Depression, obviously, can cause damage in the form of self-harm and suicide. Being an introvert and/or mildly autistic, however, of themselves don’t cause damage. The problem with those two is how our society can make them harmful in the way individuals are treated.

In my head, all three are holding hands. It’s more than a Venn diagram; it could be called a coexistence. If I have low-grade autism it could lead me to be an introvert and that leads to the depression which further feeds the autism and being introverted. And, so, the snake continues to eat its own tail.

This doesn’t really produce any kind of solution, at least not for me, but it’s something to think about. If it’s a global problem – my depression – maybe there’s a global solution. If St. John’s Wort only helped for a while maybe I need to tackle all three problems at once. I don’t know what that looks like. I don’t even know if it’s realistic. Still, there might be something there.

All we can do is lie down and give up or keep looking. It's hard not to get tired. 

Still Pursuing

It’s been a while…again.

A lot has changed in my life since I last published an honest post; although, to be honest, none of these posts are entirely honest. They may be more or less true chunks of my reality but to call them honest is probably a stretch.

But you already knew that, I’d wager.

Okay, to summarize: I lost my job, twice; I got divorced; I moved four(?) times; my car blew out its engine and the truck I bought to replace it was stolen a few weeks ago.

In other words, I now have legitimate real-life reasons to be depressed. No longer am I a guy with a chemical imbalance; I’m a guy with real problems and I honestly don’t know what to do about them.

For a while there St. John’s Wort was doing the trick. Regular doses kept my keel more or less even. When the ship started to list, however, it didn’t seem to be enough.

Well, hang on. There are a few positives I forgot to mention. Most significantly, a few months after the divorce I met a beautiful woman. We hit it off and got married way too soon, but we’re in our forties and we know what we want and what we’re doing. So far, so good. And, one of those moves I mentioned took me out of the backwater village that I endured for over 20 years for my ex to a proper city where I’m much happier.

Anyway, back to the listing ship. When I was laid off from my first job I started to slip. I managed to hang on for a bit but after about six months of job searching it got bad. I went to the doctor and, for the first time in my life I went on prescription antidepressants. Prozac, to be specific, and it was a disaster – wouldn’t be the last. It completely put me on my back. For a week I couldn’t wake up, much less get out of bed.

That’s where it started…again. Looking back, some of the best therapy I got was from writing this blog. Maybe it can help me again so I’m going to try to pick it back up. I know I’ve made a lot of vague allusions here. We’ll get into to some of them later. Some of them, I’m just going to let drift. You’re welcome to take the ride with me.

Fabulous Folic Acid? - A folic acid update from another perspective.

This is a guest post from my buddy JL. She discovered folic acid around the same time that I did and has had much better success with it. So, to avoid yet another gloomy "things still suck" post from me - which is the case - I asked her to tell us about her experiences with it. And, when you're done reading this, go subscribe to her blog, From Manic to Mindful.
-Ray

In my 32 years, I can say with full confidence that depression has dominated over ¾ of my life: I was an incredibly angry and sad little girl (oh, how the therapists love to hear that!) , who grew to become an overly eager-to-please, must-be-perfect-at-all-times teenager, who finally came down hard at age eighteen, only to be kept afloat on a cocktail of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medicine until about eight weeks ago, when I stumbled onto the blog I’m writing for now. Through this blog I found another blog, (Methodical Musings of an Unbalanced Woman) and I discovered Folic Acid- specifically, 5-MTHF.

I’ve spent a lot of time on anti-depressants. To name a few: Lexapro, Cymbalta, Zoloft (thank you very much for landing me in the hospital), Paxil…and those are just the ones I remember. I spent my longest time on Lexapro, and I was pregnant with all three of my children while taking it (after my doctor’s decided that the “benefits” outweighed the “harm”. So far so good with my little ones, but I guess time will tell). Here’s the funny thing about anti-depressants: I was never really not depressed while taking them. I was cushioned and functioning better, for sure, but I still always fought that depression. So when I had the epiphany, if you will, that the anti-depressants were not really doing much for me and acting as a placeholder solution, at best, coupled with increasing difficulties with health insurance to even GET said anti-depressants, I needed to finally go on that search to nip my depression in the bud, or at least keep it in check, on my own.

I knew that an answer must be out there.

When I stumbled on the information about 5-MTHF, all I had to read was “there are studies that show that a large amount of the population cannot properly break down and absorb Folic Acid, and those who are unable to do so are prone to depression, anxiety, and anger (among other diseases and issues),” and I was sold. I emailed said bloggers about it and asked them for more information. As a girl who loved her illicit drugs while in high school and college, not to mention her booze, (NOT ENDORSING that behavior, just being honest with you…) I had zero problem with taking a vitamin supplement I ordered over the internet.

Methylated Folic Acid, in it’s L-methylfolate form, is already broken down so that, basically, the work has already been done for those people who are not able to do so because of their genetic deficiency. I can’t say whether I have said genetic defect or not, since I have not been tested, but I do know that depression runs very heavily in my family, and not only has it been obvious that my maternal grandmother was/is severely depressed, so is my mother, me (obviously,) and I see it in my seven year old son ( a little more about that in a bit). I readily ordered my methyl-folate and anxiously awaited its arrival.

In its early days, (and still, today, because I guess we can still say it’s still early since almost none of the physicians that I’ve discussed this with have any clue about it…though evidently research about this began FORTY YEARS AGO…) methylated folic acid was (and still is) prescribed to go WITH anti-depressants, to make them more effective. I can confirm that this was the case for me, right away. Happy, Joy, Grateful-wow. A whole new world opened up for me immediately. I attributed this to the folic acid and (combined with the fact that I was so desperate to be off of my meds) quickly made an appointment with my doctor to discuss coming off of my antidepressants (Cymbalta. 20 mg twice a day)-I am not one to wait around for things to happen. We agreed on a plan (well, she told me a plan and basically forced me to agree, though in my many years with anti-depressants I knew that “her” way to come off of the pills was too fast…) and I began decreasing my dosage of anti-depressants, and kept with the 5-MTHF (which she knew nothing about, but because she had heard of folic acid, said was “fine”.)

Coming off of those first 20 mgs a day was unusually easy. MUCH, much different than coming off of anti-depressants had ever been before: I was still very much content and yes, even happy. This was a very new experience for me. But I guess I should also stick in a disclaimer: along with the 5-MTHF, I began practicing mindful meditation and using the Silva Method of Meditation, which I have committed myself to doing once a day. I also stopped drinking alcohol as much as I did before- only about a glass a day. This wasn’t so hard, though, because something interesting happened: I didn’t WANT to drink. I don’t know if it’s the folic acid or the meditation or what, but I can’t write a truthful post without putting those other parts in as well.

I have to say that the final 3 (that’s right. A mere THREE mgs) of the Cymbalta were the worst. I felt like a crack whore coming off of the hooch (I have a really good imagination). It was awful and I began to wonder if the folic acid really helped at all. But I had to remind myself that I have been on anti-depressants for MORE THAN A DECADE, and that my adult self has never existed without them, so of course it would be incredibly difficult and that I really needed to cut myself some slack.

Here’s what kept me going during that (not so long ago) time:

My son, who I mentioned before, is seven and has displayed anger and anxiety ever since he was three. Part of me always chalked it up to my divorce from his father when he was one, and his anger about my re-marriage and the two baby sisters he got as a result of the remarriage. But after four years, I finally confronted my excuses for his behavior and accepted the realization that he is probably a “depressive,” just as I am. I do not want this kid on prescription, synthetic, medication, especially at such a young age, and yes, he has been to therapy. Still willing to give 5-MTHF a fighting chance, I decided to see how he would do on it.

In my research and discussions with other people who take the 5-MTHF, I learned that this is one of those supplements that have almost no side-effects, and that it benefits basic human functions on so many ways that it is just fine for almost anyone to take, even children (but I would definitely research that more before you give our two year old methyl-folate.- or anyone for that matter ) My son is a big 7- at 85 lbs I felt okay with giving him 2 mgs of the 5-MTHF a day. Not right away, but after a few weeks my son slowly evolved into being a happy kid. Finally!!! As a parent, this is the one thing you want for your child. Seeing my guy like this is such an incredible relief for me. He still gets angry at times and is as difficult as any other 7 year old boy I hear about, but for the most part our home is so much better. He even told me himself that he “feels so much nicer when he takes his medicine.” (Of course, we have many discussions about how it isn’t really a “medication” but a food supplement…) Just knowing, and seeing what the folic acid has done for him really got me through those incredibly tough days I spent ridding myself of Cymbalta.

Now, I come from a family of researchers- my father has his PhD in Chemical Engineering, as does my brother. Most of my parent’s friends are either chemists or physicians of some sort. I am merely a graphic designer, who has a passion for all things psychological (does it matter that my minor in college was in psychology???) but I do love to do my own research-and empower myself by doing so. I strongly encourage others who are considering anything like this to do their own research as well. My father has been so impressed with what he has seen from both myself and my son (we are all very close) that I have had the fortunate experience of being surrounded by my own personal research team. Therefore, based on my own experience, I feel really confident with my personal dosages, method of coming off of anti-depressants, and giving the supplement to my son. I am not telling anyone to do the same without doing their own research, attempting to discuss this with THEIR doctors, etc. etc. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that depression is an extremely serious disease, so please view this blog post as food for thought but not the official go-to place for information. Be your own responsibility and look into it yourself.

That said,

A couple of key points I would like to mention:

1. Research shows that pretty much everyone can benefit in some way from taking Folic Acid. However, those who are not able to absorb the folate (genetically) vs. those who are will react differently and have very different experiences. For those who CAN’T absorb it, and who take the 5-MTHF, it will work drastically better than those who CAN absorb it naturally and whose depression is not biologically based but perhaps more psychologically or experience based instead.

2. As with any supplement or drug, amounts are key. One person (and these are “random” amounts I’m naming) might “need” 15 mg a day, another 7, and yet another, 5. I have been playing around with quantities (DANGER! YES! I’M NOT A DOCTOR!) and it seems that I do best when I take twice as much as I initially thought (based on my research) I would need.

3. Many physicians have no damn clue about this. And it’s really frustrating but hopefully through blogs and other word of mouth, more doctors will become interested and look into it. But I have to admit I get really annoyed at people who say “okay, I’ll discuss it with my doctor” and then the doctor has never heard of it and the idea is dismissed. I am not “pushing” the 5-MTHF here so much as I am encouraging people to be their own health advocates. After I looked into and actually READ the 42 pages of disclaimers of Cymbalta, I was shocked that the stuff is on the market. And yet, doctors wanted to keep me on it.

4. Traditional blood tests might not show that you do not absorb the folic acid. It might show up, yes, because it’s in your system, but the indicators will not be there whether it is actually being fully absorbed and processed correctly or not. So you can’t really see whether you can or can not genetically absorb the folic acid by saying “oh, I had my blood panel done and my folate levels were fine.” It goes deeper than that, folks. You'll need the actual genetic testing.

5. NOT ALL FOLIC ACIDS ARE THE SAME. Chances are, you will not be able to find the proper L-methylfolate in your local healthfood store. The “L” is the important bit here, which is the folate in it’s “purest” form. Yes, taking folic acid is good. But there is a “good, better, and best” and it turns out, for the “extreme” cases, ie, the people who don’t absorb it, that the “L” is the way to go.

6. There is an entirely different discussion to be had (which I don’t really understand) that has to do with Folic Acid and the B-vitamins. Turns out that it is HIGHLY recommended that you take a B12 with the folic acid (I found a methylated one that both myself, my husband, my mother in law, and my best friend now take because it is AWESOME and the energy you get from it is amazing.) Just thought I’d throw that in there.

7. The drug Deplin is a prescription of methyl-folate and comes in 7.5 mg. and 15 mg pill form. I am mentioning it because it comes up a lot when researching MTHF. I am honestly on the fence about it and can’t entirely trust that it just is what it says it is or whether it has some of the synthetic neuro-transmitters in there that the other antidepressants have, which, of course, is what I’m trying to avoid. There seems to be different information on it all over the place so it’s left me stumped-which means I won’t take it. I’m sure it’s fine and completely legit but I after coming off of the Cymbalta I am so wary of anything prescription anymore.

I know this has gotten pretty long so I need to wrap it up, but I want to everyone to know that right now you’re reading something from someone who has had a pretty rough time. I’ve had the world tell me that there is no reason for my depression, that I have everything to live for, blah blah blah. Yes, this is true, but there is this little thing called CLINICAL DEPRESSION that is very real and still exists no matter how smart you are, or pretty you are, or tall or short or thin…or if you have a loving family or not, a supportive spouse or dog or whatever. It’s like cancer-it can get anyone. To say that I am thrilled to find 5-MTHF is an understatement. Wonderdrug? Probably not. Nothing comes without work: you’ll have to stay on it, to find the dose that works for you, and also be willing to examine your life and make whatever changes that are necessary in order to help yourself. No pill will do that, but it might motivate you to.

I can’t pretend that I know everything about folic acid, and my life isn’t 100 % (or even 90 or 80 percent) rainbows and butterflies since I’ve started taking it, but to me, it is an incredibly huge step and I am so grateful to Ray for this blog, and to Melanie from Methodical Musings of an Unbalanced Woman, for introducing me to this supplement (and also being my depression support group, in a way). My life (and my son’s) has taken its most drastic change to date and it’s really exciting for me. I actually feel like, for the first time ever, that life might be worth living after all. Go figure.

In my own blog, From Manic to Mindful, I write about my experiences with depression, with coming off of antidepressants and how I did it (and my struggles with it), and all of the proactive steps I’m taking to rid myself of depression-without the “aid” of the medical community. Some of it is helpful, I’m sure, but admittedly, some days I just b*tch about how I hate Costco milk containers and how I get so angry at them that I want to throw them across the kitchen. After all, I might take 5-MTHF now and meditate daily, but that doesn’t mean I’m not human.

Again with the folic acid

It's been about six weeks now. I started on this particular acid trip around the first of August and, aside from that first euphoric week, I haven't been much impressed. The second week was a bitch of a week and gave me plenty of legitimate reasons to be depressed and since then I really haven't gotten back up.

I know that for some it takes up to 90 days and I probably should plod on but, shouldn't I have felt something by now? I'm pretty sure during that first week I was caught up in a placebo affect.

I'll probably order more and ride out the full three months but right now I'm feeling pretty pessimistic.

The Evolutionary Benefits of Depression

(Guest post by Allison Gamble on behalf of psychologydegree.net

“Pain or suffering of any kind, if long continued, causes depression and lessens the power of action, yet it is well adapted to make a creature guard itself against any great or sudden evil.”
-Charles Darwin

For ages, our ancestors have known of the condition we call depression, though to them it was listed under a variety of other names: sadness and the blues, to name a pair. The question that they never asked, but scientists now seek to answer is: has there ever been any payoff from depression from an evolutionary perspective?

Depression is not a rare disorder by any means, and it is suggested that as many as 50 percent of Americans will experience the criteria for diagnosis with major depressive disorder at one point in life or another. It doesn't take a psychology degree to know that's a high percentage of people affected, particularly for a mental disorder. The majority of mental diseases are actually quite rare – how is it that depression slipped through the cracks?

For one, depression may actually have played a role in the process of natural selection regarding infants and young children, in the form of postpartum depression. It has been shown that parents will not invest sufficient care in every one of their offspring if the apparent costs outweigh the benefits of caring for certain offspring. Postpartum depression may be an evolutionary signal to a parent that risks involved in continued care of the unfit offspring outweigh the benefits, thus exacting a decidedly detrimental toll on the caregiver's health and resources. It may also be an evolutionary signal for assistance from others for help caring for the child.

Socially, it may also have helped contain sexually transmitted diseases, as depression frequently causes disinterest in social interaction and sex. In addition, exposure to other diseases would have been lessened by a reduced exposure to events and elements outside the confines of the afflicted's own home.

Plus, with a lack of energy and desire in even the most mundane things in life, our ancestors would have likely spent more time sleeping, which would have replenished the body in a time when stressful and excessive work conditions contributed to skyrocketing illness and mortality rates.

People with depression can focus on one issue and attack that issue as a whole, rather than breaking in down into bite-sized components, which is more taxing on the ventrolateral prefrontal cortex (VLPFC). Focusing on a number of problems requires a constant supply of neurons to keep up with the more numerous amount of tasks than can be accomplished by those who can digest the problem as a whole and concentrate solely upon finding an answer to that problem.

This is due to the presence of a receptor in the brain known as 5HT1A, which constantly fires new neurons for the VLPFC. Consequently, the subject can perform better in the functions regulated by the VLPFC, like focus and sustained concentration. Depression activates the VLPFC, while the 5HT1A sustains it vigorously to achieve its intended functions for longer periods of time.

This would have been a very valuable asset to our primal ancestors. Unlike us, they had fewer distractions to occupy their attention, though because of the volatility of their environment, every problem was potentially life-threatening. A chain of priority was absolutely necessary. A depressive mindset would allow our ancestors to take on the most pressing problem first, then adapt to the other problems facing them as necessary.

Another possible benefit is that by concentrating solely on the problem causing one's depression, one has a greater chance for true introspection and self-enlightenment. Many of the greatest sages in the history of mankind probably suffered from one form of depression or another, yet by channeling their focus inwards, they found a deeper enlightenment and the ability to better interact with their environment and problems in a more meaningful and positive fashion.

Perhaps the greatest asset of depression is the most evolutionarily necessary: depression forces the hand of the species to reach out and try to eliminate the suffering of the one for the good of the race. And maybe, just maybe, this response is what separates us from the rest of the animals.

Allison Gamble has been a curious student of psychology since high school. She brings her understanding of the mind to work in the weird world of internet marketing with psychologydegree.net.

Sweet, sweet suicide.

Have you seen Mad Men? This is one of those television series that critics and rabid fans tell you that a) you aren't watching and b) you really suck because you aren't watching it because it is so stinkin' good.

I don't know about all that. I like good movies and I like good TV. A while back I decided to check out Mad Men and, I must say, it really is pretty good. It took until season two for it to really amaze me; overall I'd say it's an interesting and compelling show, especially if you're a US citizen.

But, my views on popular entertainment are not why we're here, are they? The reason I bring the show up is that every time I watch the opening sequence the phrase "sweet, sweet suicide" comes to mind. I'll post it below so you can see what I'm talking about.

The trancy music, the faceless cartoonism, the generic businessmen floating down... It all seems like a beautiful, drifting, perfect suicide. I doubt that's what the creators meant but, being a guy who's spent most of his life thinking about suicide, that's what I see.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not on the edge. I'm okay for now. However, I can't watch this and not think how relaxed and lovely this guy looks as his floats to his death.

I've often wished I could...



A few minutes later: I'm having some trouble with this video. If you can't play it above, click here.

Depression and Atheism

I promised this topic a while back. Sorry it's taken me a while. Actually, I don't know if I should apologize at all. It seems kind of silly of me to think that any of you wake up day after day thinking, 'is this that day that Ray will finally tell us about his atheism?' then being disappointed when I don't. Beyond silly, it's arrogant.

Nevertheless, I've been promising and not delivering for so long because this is something that never even occurred to me and I never really think about. I'm not really sure how to go about addressing the two topics as they relate to each other because, in my mind, they don't. Both things are deeply personal to me and have grown roots that are so old and deep that removing either depression or atheism from the earth of me would be, to say the least, disturbing. I'm willing to do so with depression; I'm not with atheism.

Let me start by saying that I believe I understand theists, specifically their perspective of atheists. I spent most of the first two decades of life as one. It seems hopeless to live without the belief in god. If no one created us, if there is no externally designed plan for my life, and, most importantly, if nothing happens when I die, if there's no reward for the good and no punishment for the bad, then what's point of it all? How can one live in a universe so empty of meaning, purpose and hope?

It's easy to understand why theists can believe that atheism and depression go neatly hand in hand.

I was depressed well before I became an atheist. The first time I seriously considered suicide was when I was around twelve. I had no reason to feel bad but I did. I felt so bad about myself, so unloved, so worthless, so invisible, that I went down into the basement where my dad kept his guns. I spent a long time sitting with a loaded rifle in my lap, bawling and blowing snot bubbles. I never could work up the nerve and when I heard the garage door opening - I had been home alone - I quickly unloaded the gun, put it back on the rack and went to hide in my room until I could calm down.

So, now, I've told that story. Didn't plan to but there it is. My point is that my atheism didn't lead to my depression. Clearly, I've struggled with some pretty classic symptoms of depression for most of my life and well before my, um, conversion.

Even though that's the right word I hate to use it. For me, at least, conversion carries a lot of baggage. When I think of conversion, I think of the scene in the New Testament when Saul is strolling to Damascus and has a massive, singular revelation that causes him to completely change the course of his life and, for some reason, his name.

My crossover from theism to atheism took longer than an afternoon walk. It was probably a very long time coming but, as a process of which I was aware, lasted about 6 months. I won't go into the gory details. I'd reached that time in life when one starts to consider his place in the world and I'd been exposed to enough of the church to understand that it was a very human creation instead of the holy, unquestionable institution that I'd been raised to believe in. These two things gave me the courage to actually consider the possibility that the faith I'd been raised in wasn't necessarily the truth.

I spent a very weird summer living in a crap apartment downtown, working the night-shift at a local factory and reading. I read everything I could about faith, theism and religion. By the end of that summer, I was settling a little uncomfortably into atheism. I still had those questions I mentioned above except without the hopelessness. In fact, as I look back now, I count this time as easily within the top five happiest points of my life.

In time, I've answered those questions for myself. Theistically speaking, I am incredibly comfortable in my skin. In fact, as I struggle with my expanding and contracting emotions, my professional life, and all the relationships in my life that I seem to subconsciously destroy one by one, my atheism is one of the most solid things about me.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not an evangelical atheist. I'm not crazy about my tax dollars going to blatant theism but I'm never participated in a lawsuit about it. If the mayor of my town wants to put one of those cheesy lighted nativity scenes in front of City Hall in December, go right ahead. I'm just saying that, of all those things that all of us struggle with internally, the theology thing is settled for me.

I don't know if I've covered this at all. As usual, I just cracked my head open a little and tried to give you a look. So, lurking and not so lurking theists, if you have any questions or comments, have at it.

Folic acid update and some thoughts about obligation

So, it's been roughly three weeks, I think. I ran out of pills yesterday so right now I'm at about 18 hours since I took the last one. More are coming but I didn't plan well.

Again, I don't have much to report. I suppose I do feel a little more up these days. I'm feeling generally optimistic about the future. I don't know. Trying to get a bead on how I'm feeling, or more precisely, if I'm really feeling better than I did is like trying to trying to see a distant star in the night sky. When you look directly at the fainter stars they disappear and when you look just to the side of them they reappear. How can I describe something that disappears when I try to focus on it? This is going to take time.

In a previous post, I said something along the lines of owing you guys an update. In a few of the comments and emails that you sent me, you guys made it clear that I don't owe you anything. Strictly speaking, you're right. I am the king of this little blog and I can do whatever the hell I want.

When I started this blog, I just wanted a quiet little corner of the interwebs where I could go and whine about my problems. I didn't really much plan for readers. Publishing it publicly was part of the reason that it was therapeutic for me. I was shouting into the universe and not exactly expecting it to answer.

Then it did. A readership, a very vocal one, started paying attention to me. I blog on a number of websites, a couple that are much bigger than this one. One of my sites gets thousands of visitors a day but this blog with 60-90 hits a day produces almost as much reader feedback. My reward for cutting myself open and bleeding a little on the web has been an unexpected support network in you. Faceless and often nameless but support none the less.

It's very gratifying to get notes of sympathy and support when I'm have a tough time. Knowing that I've touched you or even helped a little, as some of you have told me that I did, helps me immeasurably. I'm getting way more out of this than you are.

So, yes, I do owe you.

Listen to this

For the first time since I started this blog, I have a whole stack of things that I want to say. In the past, my intent when I came here has been very singular and it was usually just to scream into the darkness. But, lately for some reason I've felt a new level of engagement with the blog and you guys.

Right now, though, I'm going to talk about podcasts. (Bare with me, this really is going somewhere.) When I first learned what podcasts were a few years ago, I didn't think that they were for me. That's really kinda silly because I've always enjoyed spoken word entertainment from listening to my Dad's Bill Cosby records when I was a kid to political talk radio to a whole host of NPR shows. It took me a while to warm up to podcasts but once I did I found a handful that, now, I listen to regularly: WTF with Marc Maron, Savage Love with Dan Savage, The Moth, The Smartest Man in the World with Greg Proops, and Judge John Hodgman.

Of those, the two that I never miss are WTF and Savage Love. All of them are entertaining and most make me laugh but I get something more out of WTF and Savage. Both men are intelligent, articulate, funny and bring a view of the world that's outside of the normal for me.

Now, here's why I'm telling you about this. In an episode of WTF from early June, Maron interviewed a man named Todd Hanson. Most of you probably don't know who Hanson is; I didn't. He's a veteran writer as The Onion. That alone makes him incredibly interesting to listen to. He's also suffered from long bouts of major depression most of his life. In his conversation with Maron he breaks himself open and gives us all a good look at what he's gone through. I won't say it's fun to listen to but it's certainly cathartic. If you get anything out of my little blog here, you definitely should listen to this episode. Go here to listen.

A few notes: First, I suddenly find that I have a christian readership. I'm sure that there have been a few of you lurking out there all along but lately, well, you know who you are and you know what's been going on. I bring this up because if you have delicate ears when it comes to language and adult topics, you might not want to put this show in them. For the same reason, this probably isn't something you want to listen to on speakers at work. Second, Maron's shows' free availability expires so if you think you might want to listen this sometime but not just now, you should go ahead and download it. It might not be available when to you come back to it later. Third, if you're a weepy kind of person, don't listen to this in a place where you shouldn't produce a tear or two because you probably will.

That's it for now. Go, listen, you'll definitely get something out of it.

Two and a half weeks update

Yes, Anonymous, I suppose I owe you an update.

I'm writing this later in the afternoon when I tend to be at my grumpiest so do take that into account.

I don't have much to report. Since we last spoke, I've had one pretty big life change - one that's greatly affecting my sleep schedule - and one professional slap. I don't really feel like getting too much into either of these except to say that both are leaving me feeling rather down on myself and in general.

Vague enough?

Anyway, I only say that as something of a way of giving folic acid the benefit of a doubt. I haven't noticed any improvement beyond what I described earlier and I find that I'm sleeping in again. However, I have real life reasons to be a bit depressed, not just the usual unbalance. Perhaps I'd be feeling worse than I do if it weren't for the supplement. It's impossible to say.

So, I'm down but only a little and certainly not out. And, most importantly I suppose, I still have hope.

There's your update. We'll see what time brings.

And, if you're on the edge of you seat about the atheism thing, sorry I haven't done that yet. As you can see, life has me a little distracted just now and since this is a largely non-paying gig, I have to prioritize my keyboard time. I'll get to it.

First week on folic acid

Although it is supposed to take anywhere from a few weeks to four months, I thought I'd weigh in weekly so here's the first installment.

I don't discuss my depression much with my wife because it worries her quite a lot. When she was in her early twenties a boyfriend killed himself and blamed her in his note. She doesn't talk about it much but I'm sure it comes to mind when I bring up my depression. I hate reminding her of such a terrible time. But, I felt I needed to warn her that I was trying a new supplement. Other things that I've tried, most specifically St. John's Wort, initially make all my emotions rawer. It takes a week or two for me to stabilize. I suppose this is because they address the mood directly. Whatever the reason, it's not fun for me and even less fun, I'm sure, to be around me.

"I'm not going to come home one day and find you hanging from the rafters, am I?" she asked.

I told her that's what I'm trying to prevent.

Anyway, the mood shock never came. The up and down swings I was expecting never happened. In fact, I really felt nothing.

Then I noticed two things. First, I'm waking up earlier. Being unable to get out of bed is one of the markers of depression and I've become the king of staying in bed. Some days I don't get out of bed until 9a, one of the dangerous side effects of working at home! But, starting a couple of days after I started FA I've been getting up between 6 and 7, even when I don't get that good of a night's sleep.

Another completely unexpected development has been an increased sex drive. I've never had a problem in this area but for the past week or so I've really not had a problem with it. Odd.

So, that's my folic acid update for week one.

A couple of other things have been going on. Melanie, the blogger who suggest FA to me, and I have been corresponding. She's an interesting person although I think if I knew her in person her enthusiasm would overwhelm me. She blogged about me, focusing on my atheism as much as my depression or this blog. Her emails have come pretty close to witnessing which doesn't really bother me, I just find it a little curious.

I'd never really thought about it but I suppose that there might be a few people out there who would be similarly interested in my atheism and how it does or does not affect my depression. I've been turning a potential blog entry about that over in my head for a few days so look for that.

A couple of other people have also emailed. One is a kid with depression who's headed for college this fall. He wants help and is willing to seek out a pro. But, he's reluctant to tell his mom, which kinda breaks my heart for both him and her. This creates a big obstacle for him since he's on her insurance. I suggested that he look see if there's a Community Counseling Center nearby that might be willing to work with him on payments or he can check with the school nurse when he gets to college.

What a burden to take with you to college, that time when the world is supposed to be bright, shiny and full of possibilities. I really hope he finds a way through. If you want to check out his blog it's here.

Finally, another reader emailed. She is working through depression like the rest of us with the added bonus of a dear friend who actually loved life recently having died. He was healthy, in his early thirties and had a fantastic outlook on life. I didn't know what to offer her except commiseration.

We're a raggedy lot, aren't we?

Folic acid? Really?

Folic acid is one of those things about which I know nothing. I've often seen bottles of it on the dietary supplement shelves in drug stores and grocery stores but I never really bothered to try to figure out its use.

Turns out it might be the solution that some of us depressives are looking for. This doesn't seem to be a widely broadcast aspect of the supplement. I just did a Google news search for folic acid and found articles about it being linked with improved grades among Swedish school children, its importance to pregnant women and its potential for preventing colorectal cancer. No headlines about folic acid and depression.

I wouldn't know about it but for a reader and fellow blogger, Melanie. She sent me an email explaining how she discovered folic acid and that it has done great things for her. She encouraged me to check out her blog and consider trying folic acid. So, I did and, as an atheist I gotta say, there's a whole lot Jesus over there! Melanie an enthusiastic blogger, energetic, engaging and eager to share. If you get something out of my blog then I'd say her Methodical Musings of an Unbalanced Woman is definitely worth checking out.

That aside, she has some very interesting information about folic acid and MTHFR. MTHFR is the problem that folic acid corrects. (By the way, my juvenile mind can't let me look at that acronym without filling in letters to make it a rude, two word phrase.) I'll let you check out the link for a fuller description of the disorder but, basically it's a fairly common genetic variation that blocks the body's ability to extract a particular enzyme from the foods we eat. This shortage has quite a lot of nasty side-effects, depression being one of them. Folic acid corrects the problem.

Melanie had her blood tested and discovered she had this shortage before starting the supplement. But, based on what I've been able to find, taking folic acid is quite safe so I'm skipping the blood test and going straight to the pill. I ordered a bottle yesterday. I'll keep you updated.

I was about to publish this post but, I wanted to add, this is the most optimistic I've been about my depression for quite a while. The anticipation of shedding the dank skin of continual depression has me actually excited about my future and its been very, very long since I've been there.

The inertia of depression

I once asked if I was lazy or depressed. I still can't answer that question completely but I think I have a better understanding of why it's so tough to answer.

A great deal of my depression manifests in self-doubt and often strong self-hate. Any activity I engage in - this blog, a good paying gig with a popular magazine, dinner with a friend, a big party - I approach with fear and self-doubt. My depression tells me that there's no way I've got the stuff to pull of this activity without making a fool of myself.

I call it inertia because it builds on itself. Let's talk about a party. It starts with in invitation to, let's say, an event built around my industry with important people attending. At first I'm pleased to have been invited and excited about making new connections, seeing old friends and generally having a good time.

Then some tiny little kernel of doubt creeps into my mind. Either it's about my ever expanding waistline and how people I haven't seen in a long time will surely notice or it's about an article I recently wrote which I sure somebody there will have read and found completely idiotic and can't wait to tell me why. Or any other of a thousand little quibbling bits of self-doubt. The kernel grows and grows in my mind until it's all I can think about.

This is how I regularly cancel lunches, find excuses not to write articles even though I might need to the money, and generally prove myself completely unreliable. And, in doing so, I create one more very real way to doubt myself. Now, when the next thing comes up, I've got one more piece of evidence to show myself how I'll fail at that, too. It's an inertial cycle of failure.

So, the easiest thing to do - no, the only thing to do that won't further prove to me what I failure I am - is nothing. Outwardly, I appear lazy but inwardly I'm very actively doing nothing. Right now I can point to three things that I'm very specifically not doing.

Somehow, I thought that this argument would be clearer and more convincing. Having written it out, though, it still just seems like a very elaborate excuse for being lazy.

Maybe I should take a nap.

Depressives Eat More Chocolate?

A study that just came out says that depressives eat more chocolate. Not me. I barely have one serving of chocolate per month. Chicken and beer are my comfort foods. How about you? Do you find comfort in a particular food?

Is Self-Help Even Possible for a Depressive?

I don't know if that question can be accurately answered as a general rule, but I'm starting to come to the conclusion that, at least for this depressive, the answer is no.

The last few months have been a bad time for me. I want to say the worst ever but its hard to compare a current period with those of the past. I tend to lie to myself and can usually convince myself that things were better than they were. So, it could be that things now are just as bad as they ever have been but just now, down here in this pit, I can't imagine that they were ever worse.

One thing's for certain. I'm self-medicating with alcohol a lot more than usual. Comes with the territory, I suppose, of being a work at home writer. To a certain degree it doesn't matter if I drink, professionally speaking. Nevertheless, I need to slow down in that regard. I have no specific plans as to how I'll slow down but I need to. Maybe I'll cut out spirits at home. That should probably put me back where I need to be. Okay, I'm saying this now. No more distilled alcohol at home. Beer and wine will continue to be okay; booze by the bottle is out. Hold me to that.

But that doesn't address the larger problem. These days I really, really hate myself. I don't know if low self-esteem and self-loathing naturally come with depression but in my case they are part of the same lovely package. And these days the self-hate is very strong within me. Some days I wake up and am instantly overwhelmed with a grand, undefined disappointment in myself. By mid-morning it festers into a real, seething hatred that leaves me shuffling around the house, grumbling to myself about how horrible I am.

And my marriage isn't doing great either. No surprise there, I suppose. How lovable can I be, slurping down booze and grumbling about how much I suck? My wife remains mostly upbeat about life - more about that later - but she can't seem to stand to touch me. I don't really need to say more than that, do I?

Professionally, things continue to improve, which is kind of a surprise. Being a freelancer takes a certain amount of self-sales. It doesn't track that I could sell something which I so totally loathe but I do. Gigs continue to roll in and, I don't think I've mentioned it here yet, I got a book deal a few months back. I know how annoying this must be if there are any aspiring writers that read this blog - how can I have a book deal but spend my time whining? Well, I think that's part of the problem.

I've discussed this before; the more responsibility I have, the more incapable I feel. Trust me, being under contract to write a whole book is a heaping helping of responsibility. Even though I'm working on it apace, more or less, I still feel panicky the closer I get to the deadline. That's partially why I'm up blogging at 2:30 in the morning instead of sleeping - I woke up worrying about the book. So, the more incapable I feel, the more I hate myself and the more I hate myself the more depressed I get.

But there's one possible bit of light at the end of the tunnel. Like many writers, I'm on my spouse's health insurance. She recently started a new job so we get new health insurance in June. I haven't seen the policy yet but I'm hoping that it will cover mental health - something we've never had before. If it does, I think its time I seek professional help.

Typing that out loud for the first time made me cry just a little. Pathetic.

Anyway, yes, I'm ready to give up on self-help. DIY solutions take a certain amount of motivation and depression is a great killer of motivation. Self-help depression therapy seems like a self-defeating proposition. At least, I think it is for me.

So, here's hoping the new insurance policy will cover my brain. I'm not sure what I'll do if it doesn't.

Aspergers and Depression

I’m not sure what set me off in this direction in my thinking but here I am, wondering if I have Aspergers.

First, an update on life as I know it. Things have been going poorly. The economy hit me hard and one of my two sources of income crumbled away. My other source, writing, is actually doing very well. I signed a book deal – my first – in October and other gigs continue to come in even without my seeking them out. I’m making less than I was, which wasn’t much, but I’m happier in this work. So, I should be happy overall but we are talking about depression, right?

My social world continues to shrink and, although I don’t like social situations in the least, I can tell that the almost complete lack of them since I started working at home is taking a heavy toll on my overall emotional well being. I’ve considered spending two or three mornings a week working in a coffee house. I wouldn’t have to deal with anyone but just being out and among others might help.

My drinking has increased. I’m not ready to say it’s a problem yet but it’s worth mentioning.

Depression has wrapped itself completely around me. I’ve succumbed to it in recent months and have found an odd comfort in the resignation. I haven’t taken St. John’s Wort since the summer.

On to Aspergers. Like I said, I’m not sure what sent my mind down this path but I’ve been thinking about my severe social dislike and awkwardness and wondering if this might have something to do with mild autism, which is an oversimplified way to describe Aspergers. Check out the Wikipedia entry on Aspergers if you’re unfamiliar with this condition and really want to know.

I have most of the symptoms. Some points of my life that seem to really mesh well:

The speech thing – My mom tells me that I was a very late talker. She doesn’t remember my first word because I just started talking in complete sentences one day. (I’ve always thought that was odd. Wouldn’t one remember their baby’s first word or utterance regardless?) Also, in elementary school I used to go to speech therapy. I don’t remember the specific problem – I actually forgot about it until college when suddenly one day the memory came flooding back when I met the son of the woman who was my speech teacher. Weird, right?

Social situations – I’ve beat that one to death; that’s a definite check in the yes column.

Misunderstanding other’s nonverbal communication – check.

And so on.

A few points where I don’t seem to fit the condition: I think I’m a pretty good abstract thinker. My professional writing is nonfiction but I have written fiction in the past and greatly enjoyed it. I also like reading fiction and think that I’m pretty good at picking up on the subtext. However, having a degree in English literature could have given me the training to approach this formulaically.

Lack of empathy – this is the biggest reason that would make me question my having Aspergers. I think that I am hyper-aware of other people around me and their reactions to what I say. I often will stop mid-sentence because the slightest change in my listeners expression. People do think that I have an odd speech pattern and I do tend to go on obsessively about a few topics, both aspects of Aspergers.

So, I took the Autism Spectrum Quotient test this morning and scored a 30 which is rated as above average. I always feel like I’m screwing up these self administered tests, though. I’d just spent an hour or so reading about Aspergers so I recognized the symptoms behind the questions. I realized that I was overcompensating and trying to not be to eager with a “yes, yes, that’s me exactly” sort of response. So did I drive my real score down? Who knows.

What will I do with this new information? I have no idea. Probably nothing. However, it does make me feel even more justified in refusing the social anxiety medication that was prescribed to me years ago. It might have treated a symptom but not the problem if I do indeed have Aspergers.

Robert Enke Suicide

Clearly, depression can get anyone, anywhere.