Thursday, July 29, 2010

as things are...

hi everyone

I hate to be so morbid and self pitying.

but

I think that those of you who have been following this blog for a while know that I'm not manufacturing this. But, I'm pretty much at the bottom. I don't see any way up. I think about suicide all the time and am waiting for the right, uh, inspiration. Every morning I wake up and think "today is it" but I'm too much of a coward.

I don't know what to do with myself.

I don't know what to say.

I'm sorry everyone...

42 comments:

The Depressed Reader said...

Actually, you do know what to do and what to say. What you need to say is that you need help. And what you need to do is to act and to actually say that. You have done both of these by making your first post in a while.

Fighting depression is very difficult. But it can be done, and the battle can be won. You have been at this for years now. So have I. So have many of the other readers of this blog. Sometimes every day can be a struggle. And doing it alone is excruciating.

You have posted before about how you have few friends, and you tend not to let people in. So I am not sure how much you have opened up to the real people in your life about your condition. But if you haven't, now might be a good time to think about it.

Some will not know how to deal with it, some will just offer platitudes. Some will probably surprise you with stories of their own depression that you didn't have any idea about. And some will lend their strength to yours, and help you through this.

Anonymous said...

please don't give up

Anonymous said...

please, find some help.
just someone to talk to.

Anonymous said...

I am randomly surfing the web while waiting to nurse my 3 month old who still wakes often at night. I was curious about blogs in general and started googling different types, including blogs about depression, and I happened upon yours, only to be startled and saddened by your post from just yesterday. I have suffered from pretty severe depression since my teens, and medication has quite literally saved my life. PLEASE get help. Go to the emergency room if you have no insurance. You should not have to live this way, and I'm terribly sorry you are suffering. I still battle, but I feel better at times--it IS possible to feel better. It's also possible to talk yourself into a better state, with a lot of practice. I'm a proponent of cognitive behavior therapy, but until you are stable you can't really employ that. A book out there called "Feeling Good" (stupid title) really helped me see that it's possible to change some negative thinking patterns.

Please don't give up, especially if you haven't yet considered medication. Depression is often chemical; it is not a character flaw.

Anonymous said...

You are important to this world! Call a friend or family member right now to help you find help. I know how hard it can be to do it all on your own.

Hollie said...

Hanging out at the cemetery really helps. But leave the gun home.

Anonymous said...

I hope you're still here, living, breathing, surviving. For what it's worth, I would like to think that it's not cowardice, but that that some tiny piece of you wants to get through this. I've struggled with depression on and off now for 8 years, including now and at times I feel so alone, as though no-one understands. Please please seek help, it is out there. I don't know you, but I care what happens to you, human being to human being, soul to soul, spirit to spirit. Take care of yourself. With love.

Anonymous said...

You're not a coward! You're anything but a coward. You're low and at the worst end of human experience at this time but you not following through is no way cowardice. Suicidal ideation is a symptom of your disease. It's your brain not working properly. Just because you think and feel it does not mean it's right. You're poorly. And brave...so brave. This disease is a battle and a battle and a battle and it's exhausting. and you're not giving up.

Please post another blog. We all care about you.

許泓v辛 said...

Pay somebody back in his own coin...................................................................

Sarah said...

I am pretty new to the whole blog world, but I have to say that after reading through your old blog posts for weeks and eagerly awaiting your next post, it's unreal how much I care about you. Though you're virtually anonymous to me, seeing your post today brought me such sorrow. I know you've got some family around you, and a older neighbor across the street (and I'm sure many, many more contacts!) Everyone, I mean EVERYONE, wants you to get better-even if at this point you're not sure that you even want that. I'm sending positive energy your way (as lame as that may sound), but I am hoping to will you to the place you should be to get help. Take the step towards treatment, we all love you in a very real (though virtual) way.

Today is the first day of your journey to happyness. You've pursued it for years, and honestly believe you've got nowhere to go but up.

Love to you on this and every day.

Grumpy Old Woman said...

Typing those words on your blog and opening out to the world is very brave and you are stronger than you think.
You will make it through the black days into the light....take care of yourself, be good to you. There are people who care about you and who can help. Keep talking.

建邱勳 said...

Poverty is stranger to industry.........................................

Anonymous said...

please let us know if you're ok..

Secret Pain said...

We don't know one another. I found your blog via Google. I read your latest entry and I pray that you are still Here. Lord knows I know the feeling. Sincerely I do. Wanting to do it. Afraid of not getting it right. Inevitably I come to the conclusion that I can not. I will not. Please...let us know that you are ok. Please.

Anonymous said...

Hi hun,

Not sure I know what to say either...
I'm on the other side of the Atlantic but wish I could just give you a great big hug. You're not alone.I'm reading a book at the mo'(The Happiness Trap - definitely helping me so far)which says that around half of people will think about suicide at some time- kind of made me feel less isolated just by knowing that.Also has some other useful techiques to try.
Look after yourself.

文王廷 said...

想別人怎樣對你,你便怎樣對待別人。......................................................

Anonymous said...

God, how many times have we, as depressives, thought everything that you are thinking right now? I've said so many times, that if I did have such a strong fear of what I personally believe happens to those that take their own lives, I wouldn've been done with it all so long ago. But friend, just know you are worth keeping in this world. Your wife thinks you're worth being married to. Your publisher thinks you are worth publishing. At times, when I just want to be done with the fight, I try to change my perspective from "I'm living for me," to "I'm living for them because they think I'm worth it." (in my case, my husband and kids.)until I feel stronger with my will to live. I know we don't know each other. But from one depressive to another, I get it, man. And it doesn't have to end.

誠陳侑 said...

朋友是一面鏡子......................................................................

Anonymous said...

Everything you are saying is what I am feeling also. It seems as if I have been depressed and crying for years .... started with losing my baby grandson (who was born with SMA Type 1) at 6 months old, losing my job, losing my flat, just feeling tired, old and ill all the time and sleeping on my daughter's floor for months on end.
The person I used to be believed in miracles, magic, possibility, hope, love and dreams. She felt that things would always be rosy and shiny, bright and new and the world was intrinsically a good place to be.
How life's events can alter our perception!
You are not alone. There are probably millions of people feeling similar thoughts at the moment. Everyone is here for a purpose and if we are still here, we MUST still have a purpose.
Be brave and strong. I lie at night staring at the ceiling and try to connect mentally to other people who might be going through something similar to somehow inspire each other that life is worth living and that things will improve. Take care. You are not alone.

冠霖林冠霖林冠霖林 said...

愛情是盲目的,但婚姻恢復了它的視力。......................................................................

怡靜怡靜怡靜怡雯 said...

逛BLOG逛上癮了,一天不來會不習慣了耶!!............................................................

O_kotler said...

I know the way you feel. I am there in the dark endless pit with you. As I wrote on my newly found blog "Nothing can change the fact I simply lost the will to live" . Why keep on? Why make it to tomorrow? It has been a while since I wanted any of these things and it has been a while since I believed "making it to tomorrow" is the right thing to do. Yet... I struggle for the next day, I hope that someday I'll find something which is worth living for. I want to want to live. I want to be able to want to struggle for the next day.

Maybe I am like you, too much of a coward to "get it over with". However, this thing inside of me still tells me I will find something, sometime. I hope that you will find yours.

建枫 said...

愛情不是慈善事業,不能隨便施捨。.................................................................

1615 said...

加油!期待更新哦!

Tiffany said...

Ask for help!
The best thing I ever did was let the people around me, who I trust, know that something was wrong. I have always felt alone, that I could only really ever count on myself, however, since taking that HUGE step to open up to others, I am now on the road to feeling stable and dare I say...... content. I'm not saying just by talking to friends or family, and then expecting everything to be okay, what I mean is opening up to them and asking for help. Once I opened up about what was going on in my head the people in my life, jumped into gear and got me the professional help I needed. Living with depression is tough. I know, I live with it every day, but now I look at myself as a work in progress. I have a support network of my boyfriend, his family, my friends, my psychiatrist, my psychologist and my mental health hospital. Obviously, I don't talk to each one everyday/week about my depression, but each one has a role to play in my recovery and most of all my staying in recovery. I know though, when I start to feel down, all I have to do it tell these people and everyone will put into action whatever their role is to help me.
My advice? Don't do it alone. I tried for years and it is just SO much harder.
My other advice? Spend time with animals and pets. Get outdoors. Listen to the sounds you hear. Do some gardening. Get your hands dirty. 'Grounding' activities are truly helpful.... I think so anyway.
Most important? Learn to breathe! In through the nose, out through the mouth. Breathing right down into your belly...... so that the clean oxygen gets to the bottom of your diaphragm. When negative thoughts come into your head, say to yourself, 'thank you brain for those thoughts, but I'm concentrating on breathing right now'..... and refocus on your breathing. It may sound airy-fairy but it really works if you stick with it.
You can learn more about what I do to help with my depression and anxiety issues at my website www.animalsandhumans.com if you are interested.
I wish you all the best with your illness and urge you to ask for help.

Anonymous said...

This is kind of ironic, because as a fellow 'crazy' [insert a cheeky self-deprecating grin], I completely and fully understand not wanting to say a word, because as I once read, some struggles are so solitary that they drown in words.

But, I can't help but check back in every day to see if there's been a new post, an update of some sort.

Hope you're 'hanging in there.'

詹莉 said...

生命如夏花洵爛;死如秋葉之靜美。........................................ ........................

Best Sam-e said...

Dude, do you notice that a lot of random people including your loved ones cares for you this much? Please consider their advice. You can go through this stage and eventually you'll see life in a different perspective, the brighter side. Life is beautiful, spend it with you loved ones and friends. We care for you and I think that is enough for you to fight for yourself! Hugs for you my friend!

Shane said...

I don't know who you are and you don't know who I am.
I happened to find this blog and I read some of the posts.
Seeing as this is your latest one and it was posted in July I'm hoping you're still somewhere out there. Still breathing. I'm praying for you even though you're a stanger I feel close to you. I'm deprssed myself maybe it's different from you but overall I am. I've thought about suicide many times. I still do and i'm a coward myself but my loved one and friends are here and it really helps. I can be happy with them and without them I really don't know. I can tell you have loved ones that are worried about you. I know where my depression cones from and i'm working to forget. I want to live and I think you do too! Just find the things in life that are worth living for because suicide isn't the way. I've learned that. You're a great person I think one day you'll find something worth living for. I'm praying for you.

Just Another Person said...

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Just wanted to leave a comment and say that you are heard. And keep trying. I've felt suicidal everday and I was pretty depressed few months ago so I know how the feeling is. It is definitely hard and it can feel hopeless. When you feel like it's hard to get out of bed, force yourself to get out of bed and go out on a walk or do something therapeutic. For me putting one body part off the bed at a time helped me get up slowly. Or have my wife push me off the bed. I hope you will feel better soon.

keep trying.

scootergirl9 said...

Hi,

I just read your blog and felt I had to respond. I have been dealing with some health issues and my husband's chronic depression -whilst raising two children- for two years now and I understand the need to stop the world and get off. Life can be very tough.

But my aunt killed herself just before Christmas last year and I can honestly say that for her family it has been absolutely heartbreaking. She felt that she would be doing everyone a favour. How wrong she was. We all miss her so much that sometimes the pain is unbearable. I understand her need and right to do it, but please before you do, consider that there will be people in the world who will be devastated - even though you may think there's nobody.

I say this not to add guilt to your misery, just to share what we have been through. Don't give up.

misssrobin said...

Well, duh. Of course this freaked people out.

Sorry it sucked so bad and you were so lost. That darkness is a powerful thing. Drags you right under.

Glad you're doing better.

JD-Maybe said...

I know how you feel and I know that typing that probably stopped you.

Anonymous said...

I am writing as anonymous right now until I decide whether to write about my own depression. I am a writer as well. I am learning a lot about depression as I go through it and see that my mother went through it (in denial) and now my daughter struggles with it (what an awful legacy to leave your children).

I was brought up to "count your blessings" and I have many. I was told "you have a family, husband who loves you..." and the list goes on. But those of us who suffer with depression and are lucky enough to also have full lives, or nothing that looks outwardly like we have a reason to be depressed, know that it's an insidious disease that has no have barriers or make rules about who will be afflicted and who won't.

I think that you hang on (like me) because we're supposed to. We want to get out of the abyss. We write about it because we want people to understand and tell us 'it's alright.' We want to tell others that 'it's alright.' We need to define our journey, no matter how painful, to do this.

I hope I can be as strong as you are to share your story. Perhaps knowing that others feel the same way will help. I'm sure you know that already but you can add one more anonymous "writer" to your list of those who really 'get it.'

nochnoch said...

i tried, and it hurt trying to kill myself. is there something to stay alive for? even if it was to eat chocolate or go see your favorite movie?
please take care. i know how you feel, so i wont tell u to not feel like that. but please take care
nochnoch (http://nochnoch.com)

sky said...

I may be able to help, I was actualy going to start a blog with this name, but to talk about my pursuit of happiness and how I have overcome depression. I have completly changed my life and am still making positive changes. A year ago I was depressed all the time, most nights I would get drunk alone, I would have nightmares and constantly thought of suicide. But I have changed all that and there is hope for you as well! So, don't give up, your life is worth more than that!

Superman said...

Unfortunately many people today do not know what depression is, I believe that just by feeling what we feel people will understand, I'm from Brazil and depression since childhood, I hope to improve, I hope that you will also improve.

Cheers!

Anonymous said...

i believe you can push past all of this mess and "live" again. many people have been there and even though telling you that won't help you right now but maybe it will make you see that you're not alone and you're definetly not lost. all you need is to believe, find that light at the end of the tunnel and start moving/walking/crawling towards it. and it is definetly not wrong to get help. help can help you by simply giving you that push to get up and start walking towards the light, because that's what you need right now. you need someone to tell you that it's going to be okay. i don't know you and its not my place to tell you how things will be in the future and to make promises which i don't know if i can keep, but i've been where you are and it took a little bit of hope and inspiration in order to move past the emptiness i felt everyday.
i hope you'll be okay. good luck with everything.

SusanB91 said...

You aren't at the bottom all alone. I've been at bottom as well for a while. Stayed in bed for 72 hours. Spiritual turmoil and pain.

Kathy Threlkeld said...

Dear Blogger,

I cannot say that I know you or that I know the experience precisely but you word it so accurately that it resonates with my experience enough for me to tell you that I understand. And in this understanding I know for myself that as aggravating as it is to fight through depression because of it's incessant nature, it is mandatory. You have created an entire blog surrounding this delicate and distressing issue to help others and to reach out for help yourself so please take comfort in my virtual arms and the arms of others. We may only be able to give you words but the very fact that you are still around shows you couldn't possibly give up if you tried. I'm sure I speak for almost everyone on here when I say that depression is chronic and a battle to be continually fought. Let's all keep fighting!!!!

Anonymous said...

I feel for what you are saying. This weekend I spent making myself sick, and been crying on and off. Just wanted to say something and contribute a little bit. I also have thought of suicide more lately than ever before. I think finally I would have 'peace'. This, unlike many things, is 'irreversible' so I decide not to. Do you always beat yourself up like I do? I keep making a standard that I dont live up to and then shut down in disappointment. I have been conditioned to be a pleaser and not a fighter and now I need to fight some demons and just break life down sometimes by the HOUR. Not even the day---it seems even too long sometimes.

Andrea said...

Hey man i want you to check my blog out http://theguardianpost.myblogsite.com/
I want you to send me emails and just talk to me and anybody else who is interested please check it out and just talk to me about anything that is making you happy or not. But i seriously want you to.