Friday, December 26, 2008

3:30 am - Boxing Day

It’s a month on since my last post. In that time a lot has happened but not much has changed. I received some nice and thoughtful comments here and in private emails – none of which I acknowledged or responded to. I received a couple of link exchange requests that I’ve been too distracted/lazy to deal with even though it takes little more than a cut and paste.

In short I’ve been in full-on wallow. My business is hurting, money’s tight and suicide has crept back into my idle mind. I’m having trouble sleeping and when I do sleep, which is never more than one hour at a stretch, I have complex and stressful dreams. They are generally concerned with abandonment or imprisonment, conditions that I’ve never really suffered from.

I’m a mess.


Van said...


Sorry to hear you are having a hard time - I've been up and down a lot as of late as well. I hope you find some peace of mind and that you continue to post.


KY-Q-Clipper said...

First let me say, I don't know you, but I care about what you are going through. I care that you are undergoing a battle that doesn't seem winnable. I care.

So Here is my take on what you are going through. 1. It is a spiritual battle between real demons and angels going on in your mind. 2. The enemy does not want you to get out of your state of mind else he would risk you becoming the greatest part of yourself, feeling great purpose, experiencing each breath with delirious joy. 3. I think depression is one of the devil's many weapons against us. What better way to take down an oponent than through his mind. 4. From the enemy's perspective: IF your not any good for yourself then you definitely won't be able to emotionally propel anyone else thereby not advancing anyone else's wellbeing. So all the more reason for him to keep you scattered, smuthered, confused. If you can see your surrounds for what they are you could find your exit. So the fog of depression doesn't allow you to find your way 'out'. 5. The enemy leds you to believe that this feeling is safe because you already know it well. Love, kindness, gentleness, etc. are confusing words because in this world they appear to be vehicles someone might us to get their way. But all those words are real, legitimate, true in some people of this world. And God created them and this proof in action. Those words are action words, love, kindness, gentleness. Personally I have to believe this or I'll stay in a storm cloud of depression myself. To help my self in my depressoin the order is: Prayer, read bible (I use postit flagits, reread the best ones daily), Believe that God wants/loves/created/treasures me, clinical therapy with Christian counselor, read christian self-help, understand my responsibility as a carrier of depression, have a love for something/someone that is greater than myself, and others that I can't think of right now. The 4 books that helped me get started believing again are; This present darkness & Piercing the Darkness (both fiction books), Waking the Dead (Christian self help), lastly the bible (I love it!) I really wish you 'true' peace of mind and God's wonderful blessings should you chose to him and fall under his favor and protection.

Anonymous said...

Please do not wallow alone. If you are not in therapy, consider it. If possible, find someone who does cognitive behavior therapy, which has been VERY helpful for me (PTSD, lifelong struggle with depression, many family members range from bipolar to dysthymia), and got me through a very rough time without Big Pharma's involvement.

The book that helped the fastest: a workbook called "Ten Days to Self-Esteem." Yes, the title is awful but it WORKS.

Your Wandering Mind said...

My prayers are with you. Don't be afraid to seek professional help. What tears us down only makes us stronger. Hang in there, as things will get better.