Saturday, June 9, 2007

The Pursuit of Happiness

This is the inaugural post of a project that I've been thinking of for a while now.

Here's my story: I'm fighting depression.

*Right, see? I'm already rolling my eyes at myself. I'm embarrassed and a bit disgusted about all of this - the blog, my condition (ugh), that I have to write publicly about it, everything. But let's get back to it.*

I'm fighting depression. I've always known that I wasn't as happy as others or, more importantly, as I should be. Then, in a story that I'll tell later, I got diagnosed with depression brought on by social anxiety. Foolishly I said thank you very much and never again darkened the otherwise sunny doorway of that particular clinic.

Since then I started a home business and had to go out and find insurance for myself. In order to get a package I could afford I had to take one with no mental health benefits. Besides, I suppose when it comes down to it, this is a preexisting condition so it wouldn't have been covered.

Predictably, if I have to take the cheaper insurance package then I can't afford to go looking for professional help to be paid out of my own pocket.

I've been working at home for almost three years. At first it was heaven, given the social anxious aspect of my psyche. The depression was still there but a wonderfully supportive wife and a fulfilling job kept me above water.

But now I'm starting to drown. Circumstances that will be fully explored in later posts are conspiring to to pull me under completely. I really need help. I've been self medicating with bourbon and Comedy Central but these are only temporary fixes and they're starting to have their own detrimental effects on me.

So, I can't afford the professional help that I know I desperately need. What to do? I'm trying an anonymous blog. I'll blather on here about whatever is bothering me, the memories that haunt me, and how successful my self help remedies are. This blog is my therapist.

Its anonymous because I work in a pretty happy industry and I don't want to advertise this depression. Also, I'm terribly embarrassed by this and were I reading an in kind blog written by someone else I would lose all respect for them. Finally, I want to confess without worry and bitch about whomever and whatever I want. I feel restricted from that when I do these things under my own name.

This blog isn't going to be my only therapy. I'm also going to try some herbal remedies. I'll be reviewing these in futures posts.

6 comments:

hi mik1986 said...

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seller said...

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cassie said...

I think that is hilarious and so honest about why you want to remain anonymous. I totally relate. Freely sharing my flaws and dark thoughts, I equate to walking around naked in public... nooooo thanks. Re therapy: Going to a therapist does not work for me. My background is in psychology and I just know that that person in the chair is just a person and potentially much crazier than I could ever be. But you know, that isn't a universal thing, and I know many people for whom therapy works wonders. I have just had the kind of life where I have met the weirdest people and trust is a big issue for me because of it. For example, something a ministers wife once said to a group of school moms over coffee made me so disgusted, I just thought about what all the people in their congregation would have thought of it.

Anyway. I hope I am not saying anything that is mean or outlandish or hurtful.

ooooh, this anonymity is liberating! Other than the fact that my URL can be traced back to me (no matter what they might say), I feel free to say something without quadruple censoring myself and mulling over the right way to say it for ten hours. Heh heh. PS. If you want me to stop with the retroactive comments, just post a quick blog that says: Stop.

If I see that I'll go away, promise. I don't want to make your situation worse by saying the wrong things. Your 2010 post sounds like your in Fragile-land at the moment and I know it's not the best place to be.

Oh, speaking of COmedy Central, have you ever seen any of Mitch Hedburgs comedy?

The Pursuit of Happiness said...

Yep, love Mitch's work. His death was a great loss.

ativan said...

Amazing life story. I'm taking now seroquel and I hope I will fight depression.

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