Monday, November 7, 2011

Folic fail

I finished off my fourth bottle of the mmthff-whatever a couple of days ago. Apart from the first week which I chalk up to a placebo effect, I saw no change over the many weeks while I took it. This doesn't mean that it doesn't work for anybody, JL and Melanie have clearly benefited from the stuff. It just happens to be that I don't.

So, what now? A reader asked that question back when I started trying the folic solution and I didn't have an answer. I still don't. Maybe I'll look into JL's meditation. Maybe I'll give walking another try. Or, most likely, I'll just sit here and keep self-medicating with booze. I really wish I could afford a therapist.


My father in law visited yesterday. He lives 1100 miles away so it's kind of a big deal when he stops in. On the other hand, we see him two or three times a year so it's kind of not a big deal. Anyway, we had lunch at a BBQ place downtown. I live in an old river town on the Mississippi. Downtown is right on the river and is bisected by a railroad. After we were done eating, we sat around and chatted. I quite like this restaurant and even have a bit of a history with it but, yesterday they were blasting the worst of the '70's and '80's so, after a while, I just had to get out of there.

I left and wandered out in the street, aiming to sit on a quiet park bench near the railroad tracks. As if on cue, a train came screaming up on me. I couldn't sit through that so I stood up, as if in some sort of respect. After the engine passed with it's blasting horn, I was confronted with what seemed to be miles and miles of train cars rumbling past with horrible, magnificent noise. I could only stand and watch.

I wondered how hard it would be to time it to dive under the cars, between the wheels, and put my head on the tracks for a quick and, mostly, painless death. I watched a rusty old car come rumbling up to me as it swayed back and forth on it's unstable wheels and secretly hoped that it would tumble over and take me. In short, I had one of the more suicidal moments that I've had for some time. And, I must say, it was a bit refreshing. I actually feel better now for having had it.


partanimalpartmachine said...

Hey, just thought id say Hi. Stumbled on your blog and had a read through ... its all struck a chord with me so to speak ... anyway - all the best wishes

Continuing Education for Counselors said...

hang in there

Jenn said...

It blows that it didn't help.

I looked at your tags and wanted to throw out a few ideas - if you've already considered them, sorry. I've got a mostly unused psychology degree just rattling around here.

Have you read about:

Sleep deprivation as a means of acute relief

Cold-exposure therapy

And for longer term stress reduction, autogenic training?

Franklin said...

Just stumbled on your blog. Depression is such a tough thing. I wish you the best and can only suggest this. There are some areas where you can see a therapist with a sliding fee scale. Maybe you could look into that. Good Luck!

Anonymous said...

So sorry to hear-I like the folic acid, that's clear, but I also need that meditation...

maybe it would help you-it definitely won't hurt. I love the whole silva life system

Anyway- I guess this is why they call it a journey but, damn, don't give up. You have people in DC cheering for you, at any rate-JL

Melanie said...

I'm with JL. Don't give up and I'm rooten' for ya.

I don't know if you have been keeping up with my story or not. But...I tried to go off antidepressants and rely on MTHF alone. It didn't work for me. At least not at the dose I was on. But...what it does for me when i am ON anti's is amazing. So...I'm back on...working my way up again.

I have a nagging feeling that the booze may be more of a problem than a solution. (wink)

Even if you don't believe in God....I do...and I'm praying for you. Always! :)


4-Lorn said...

I was prescribed Deplin, a folic acid that's supposed to cause whatever antidepressant you happen to be on to actually do its job. I read about all the absorption theories and it got my hopes up a bit. Deplin failed to even cause me side effects. It was a big zero. Might as well have been taking Smarties.

With that said, I just wanted to relay to you that I see so much of myself in your posts. You have an uncanny way to precisely word what I'm feeling or trying to say. Whether it matters to you or not, we are brothers in the darkness seeking that elusive light. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this hellhole.

All the best

Joseph Richard Crant said...

I hope this will inspier you to look into it

In 2011, stating that after researching for nearly a quarter century, a university non-affiliate researcher is saying that he independently conducted an informal study that ran for two years. The results he says show humans to hold inherent ability to achieve, maintain, and sustain biological-emotional homeostasis (equilibrium), which in definition, and in English simply means; all humans are capable of producing and holding onto wholeness and wellbeing. In his researcher’s report, he concludes “a mimicking urinary tract infection (UTI), was unanimously reported by all participants, suggesting that something within the casual discussion of a certain theory C=ea2 appears to cause the body to enter into detoxification.” In a follow-up investigation he reports that all participants said that they believed that the discussions are what led to detoxification, after which supplied an increase in energy and produced a consistent overall sense of wellbeing. It was agreed that this equilibrium would prove difficult to lose once realized, again, it was recorded unanimous. The researcher goes on to claim that the discovery is serendipitous, and that it is sufficient to satisfy physical manifestation of non-physical phenomenon, and raising the question, what physical manifestations become evident subsequent to satisfying the presence of maturity and the cessation of chronic depression and anxiety? The answer he says always comes back the same. Balance, or equilibrium, once attained through the realization that forgiveness is the true expression of love and the affirmation that hope is the sustainer of all life, and is what binds all things lending towards a predilection for peace within and equality without.

Scribo Ergo Sum said...

Your final comment in this entry--regarding suicide--reminds me of something Friedrich Nietzsche wrote in Beyond Good and Evil:

"The thought of suicide is a powerful solace: by means of it one gets through many a bad night."

I can relate.

Anonymous said...

Dear Ray,
I have read through a majority of your blog. There were some things on my heart that I feel I needed to say but it is important to give some background first. This past semester I took a course in Neurobiology and we had to write a research paper. Part of the research was to pick a disorder involving the brain and do research while comparing the research to a blog. My topic was depression and my professor assigned me to use your blog as the case study. To be honest the whole idea of writing about someone else’s struggles was off-putting for me to say the least. The paper however did offer me a glimpse into your life and some of your struggles. I just turned in my paper and I vowed that I would put into thoughts my feelings. Ironically today was the first opportunity I had to respond and today happens to be my 21st birthday. To be honest there is nothing I would rather be doing than posting this comment. For my birthday I would love to see you overcome some of the things you discuss in your blog. With depression I have no personal experience so I come from a place of wanting to provide encouragement with inexperience. With all this being said this is the best I have to offer.

I have never met you and I recognize that there is much more to you as a person than can be interpreted from a blog. What I know about you and people in general is that we are powerful over our thoughts, our actions, and our feelings. Along with this I believe there is a certain innate beauty in you. I like to believe that there is reason in the world and our continuous heartbeat is for a purpose. We all have innate beauty because we all share a unique purpose in this world of ours. Tonight I feel my purpose is to send this to you. I am uncertain exactly why that is and you will probably know the answer to the question more than I will. Anyway, I believe that with this power and this beauty that we have we are our own best physicians. It is not in medication, therapy, or a self-help book rather in ourself that solutions to problems are found, I believe. My hope is for you to find that, whatever it may be.
I have faith in God and that adds so much perspective on the world I see everyday. Among other things I hope that you find solace and joy in the fact that you are loved by God.

I know you said that you read through all the comments, I think. My end goal is that you know at the end of the day you know that people care about you. I believe that you have purpose, power, and beauty and this concept has given me strength in times of need. For the rest of time I hope for the best for you Ray. Thank you for listening.

God Bless You,

Sarup Banskota said...

Wow. Your blog's great! I hope you'll have a cool life ahead!
I also have been in similar situations as you I guess.
Even I have begun a new blog, that you may wan to visit:

Please visit if you find time, and leave a comment telling how it's going!

Anonymous said...

Hey, you still alive?
Still pursuing happiness?
With no updates, I gather you're busy with life, huh?

Anonymous said...

Your thoughts about laying your head on the tracks in front of the train sound so familiar. Depression has made such a mess of my life - what it was "supposed" to have been - that I sometimes wonder why I go on.


Rogers said...

WOW I thought I was the only one who thought like that? Just kidding, you are not alone...Just keep believing that there are better days ahead, god bless you.

Superman said...

Hello, I really appreciate your blog, I have a similar, it is in Portuguese, but it has an application that translates into English. I vent in it and I can be myself, I count my everyday facts of dull.

A big hug!


Gregory X said...

I battle depression, along with morbid obesity. I'm pretty sure they're related. But it's hard to make any progress with one, because of the other. I have found that taking long walks helps, both the fat and the depression, but I get so depressed I can't stick with it for very long. I hope we can both find the answers we're looking for.

Anonymous said...

I can't say that you should try this therapy or that medication, I don't know about any of that stuff, I do however know how you're feeling coz I feel like that myself. Depression is a horrible feeling ( if that's the right word to describe it). Just take each day as it comes and have faith/hope that tomorrow will be better! :-) that's how I'm getting by at the moment! I'll keep reading your blog and look forward to a positive future for you.

Ronald said...

Depression is our worst enemy that can really affect our life. It affects on how we think that's why we always feel, it would be better to end our life. But it is wrong, there are still a lot of things we can do. Please don't let the depression defeat you, fight with it. Hoping to overcome all the trials if life.

Norman Dett said...


Do you know if Provigil, Modafini or other medicines to help with depression?