Thursday, August 14, 2008

1:25 am

Had a professional setback on Monday.

I don't completely understand the connection between life events and my depression but they are most certainly intertwined. When I get hit with something like this it can trigger a low point which is where I am just now. But it also doesn't take external stimuli to send me spiraling.

I'm sucking down the SJW religiously but I'm having trouble climbing out. Right now things seem pretty bleak; I may look back later and decide that this was just another run of the mill trough but it doesn't feel that way right now.

Suicide has been much on my mind. I did an odd thing this afternoon. Sleeping pills really knock me out - more so, I think, than most people. Half a dose hits me hard and keeps me down all night. Around 5p yesterday I took a full dose. When my wife got home at 8 (her usual time) I was out cold and didn't wake until 10. I didn't have any reason for doing this except that it just felt like the thing to do. As I was fading to sleep I wondered if it was a suicide trial run.

But now I'm awake and it's one-thirty. My sleep's going to be fucked up for days now.

Three reasons I don't kill myself:
  • I'm a coward
  • I don't want to leave my wife alone with the debt we have
  • I'm still curious to see what's going to happen next

How long will these hold true?

6 comments:

Christa said...

I came across your site and post and was quite pleased to see you listed reasons why not to kill yourself.

I can tell you suicide never answers problems. You just carry all that crap with you to the other side, if you believe in that sort-of-thing (I do).

I think the fact you blog is great and have to tell you that leaving this earth by way of suicide would devastate your family and friends in ways you simply cannot comprehend. I spent years depressed and on meds and had a friend, very close friend, kill himself.

I'm not going to tell you to "cheer up" or other things like that, just keep talking.

I do suggest trying to find the inherent silliness that life offers you. Laughter and giggling do wonders to help heal our souls, even if it's just for a minute or two.

I speak from experience on that!

Emma said...

It's probably small comfort, but I wanted to tell you that I am experiencing many of the same things that you are. It's nice to know that I am not alone in this struggle. You probably don't feel like it, but you are a very brave person. It takes a lot of courage to deal with these kinds of thoughts and feelings on a regular and sometimes daily basis. Hang in there.

little monster said...

my goodness. Last night I felt the same way as you did. Recently in a middle of a fight with my boyfriend. I feel sad but at least you have your wife. Hang in there.

Valerie said...

I completely understand what you mean in your post. Have you had any good results with SJW? I want to try to treat my depression with natural cures, and am willing to try anything but meds.

Anonymous said...

Three reasons I don't kill myself:

1. it would ruin my child's life
2. it would dishonor my parents
3. I've been here so many times before, I know it will be better when it passes.

How I live through it:

1. watch endless movies
2. read books (when I can concentrate)
3. drink wine (when I can't)
4. avoid making any decisions until I feel better

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